I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
it hurts more in the daytime
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
