Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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