in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
