So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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