gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
