Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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