I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
