why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
