My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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