i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
