Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
