If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
