I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
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