you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
