Jerry, you need to find god
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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