i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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