What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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