She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
