I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
