ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
