what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
