I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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