Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
