what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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