Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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