they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
