I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
