i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
