Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
