my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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