I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
