is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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