I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
