dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
