Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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