I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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