its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
