Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
