As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
