Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
