Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I need to calm my uterus...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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