You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
