just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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