I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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