He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
