in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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