You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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