he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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