i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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