i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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